This is grief, too
No! No! It okay! Don't be cry!
We are, as a society, notably terrible at grief.
We might post some nice memes on our Instagram Story about how it’s Okay To Not Be Okay, but usually, we mean that for other people and not for ourselves. We shove it down, plaster a big smile on our faces, and soldier on. It’s a performance in the flavor of this tweet, but about how grief is a natural part of life that should be afforded proper space for processing:
NOT FOR YOU THO!!
Should we experience some Recognized and Approved Grief, society’s response is to ask that we please be sad for approximately 12-48 hours maximum, then return to our regularly scheduled obligations. Those emails simply will not send themselves !!
Any grief beyond the classic types of lost grandmothers and beloved dogs is usually not recognized at all, let alone approved. I loved Anne Helen Petersen’s aptly titled piece on losing her dog last year, which was really about all of this: This is Not Just A Post About Dog Grief:
“It’s not normal, or ironic, or even slightly funny that we’re this bad at making space to process loss and suffering...We have so little language to describe the onset of grief in our lives, and so little expectation of accommodation for it. We don’t know how to be still in our sadness. And if you won’t allow yourself that grace, it’s so difficult to authentically extend it to others.”
Which is why when someone is hit by the absolute freight train that is grief we usually stand by awkwardly saying “I am here for you!!” because what else do you say? We are given so few tools for this.
A friend of mine was just laid off this week1 and it reminded me that losing your job is a form of grief too— one that we expect people to immediately rebound from, onto bigger and better things they can Post about insufferably on LinkedIn.
How do we sit with the bad thing?
I’m sure there’s someone out there who has excellent emotional processing skills and healthy coping mechanisms they were raised with in a functional and stable home2. I am happy for them. The rest of us freaks are simply doing our best not to have a breakdown in the face of the relentless onslaught of life, complete with its many-flavored disappointments.
We know we’re allowed to be sad and mourn when we lose a relative (5 whole bereavement days because you’re family here at Big Corporation!) but what about when we lose our sense of identity and belonging? Our autonomy? What about when those hopes and dreams don’t come true and we watch that long-cherished vision of how our life would turn out fade away?
That is grief, too.
It also deserves space for anger, sadness, and non-linear healing3. If we can learn to recognize and honor these things for ourselves, maybe we can get better at helping others through it too.
Everything does not happen for a reason. If you are grieving something, anything, in your life I am not here for you because I am not here to fix you. Feelings are not something to be fixed. I am here with you.
"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."
The good news is that they do not have to be carried alone no matter how much your brain screams at you NOT FOR US THO. Tell your brain to shut up and reach out to a friend or the somewhat faceless entity behind your favorite Substack.
Maybe it’s a huggable Bigfoot who has learned to type and yearns for companionship in the woods.
*Chewbecca scream*
Get Rec’d
What I’m reading, watching, being haunted by.
What I’m reading: I have just barely started When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi which is a seminal book on one of the more gut-wrenching forms of anticipatory grief: recognizing and dealing with your imminent mortality when you are 36 years old and diagnosed with aggressive cancer.
What I’m watching: Irish Wish, The newest Lindsey Lohan vehicle on Netflix, will never be as good as this review about it is.
Reality: It’s always a delight when something is put so well in a video like this.
Escapism: There are just so many beautiful things in this world it destroys me that I cannot know them all.
Wildcard: What Do We Owe Zoo Animals?
Until next time.
It okay, buddy, don’t be cry!!
I assume in a forest with fairy godparents and a nice Bigfoot who loves hugs
Let Britney dance with her knives you assholes
An incredibly kind and important message–particularly in the midst of this generation's growing "loneliness epidemic" as triggers and trauma are continuously thrust upon us by devices and brands determined to capture our attention at every moment. You're a good egg, forest Bigfoot.