The Hater's Guide to the Holidays
The spirit of Drew Magary compels me to write this
As a person who lives alone yet insists on decorating for every holiday like I run an orphanage for children who have never known seasonal joy, I am clearly not a Holiday Hater. (After Halloween this year, one of the neighborhood parents thanked me “for doing all of this,” and I was like, ma’am if I lived alone in the deep forest, I would STILL be doing this; such is my affliction with Themes.)
Yet each day, I am reminded in new and exhausting ways that we live in the dumbest possible timeline, usually by catching a headline on Bluesky that should be from The Onion but is unfortunately Real. This season, many of us collide timelines with our relatives who possibly get all of their news from 24/7 cable hysteria or the most terrifying depths of 4Chan1.
It is an exhausting time to be alive.
What is a person to do if they try to stay reasonably well-informed about world events without losing their sanity and will to live? How does one navigate the festive season when the crushing weight of the world threatens to snuff out all remaining joy? What if you are just too fucking tired to deal with it, or the holidays are just Not Your Thing culturally or religiously?
I offer you this: not a gift guide, but a guide ✨as a gift✨ to being the right kind of holiday hater to take you into The New Year.
Seasonal haterade for you, babe
For those of you who love Christmas and typically struggle not to go ALL OUT with things (my people), I offer this: have a boring holiday. That doesn’t mean you throw the stockings in the trash and order beige ones, but that you pick only the things that mean the most to you and skip or tone down the rest. Buy the cookies instead of baking them from scratch. Get a tiny tree instead of a full-size one. Don’t attend every single event you get invited to. Save enough of yourself that you have time to indulge in some of that holiday joy yourself instead of ensuring it’s happening for everyone else.
For those who struggle to enjoy things despite knowing facts and information, I offer this: you taking on the weight of the world will not Fix Everything. Please find a few areas where you can offer concrete help and do that with your time, your money, or your special set of skills (hi Liam Neeson, I’m a big fan!!). It is okay to enjoy things, and you do not have to feel guilty aboutause other living things are suffering right now. It has always been true and will always be true that one person will be toasting with fancy champagne on the best day of their life, warm and safe with someone they love, while across the world — or just a few blocks over — there is pain and distress2. Neither state of being is permanent.
For those who are exhausted, for any reason, I offer this: Rest. You do not have to earn it; it is yours. Please take it.
For those who are frustrated with friends, family, coworkers, or community, I offer this: You do have to engage. You can go into another room and yell “DON’T COME IN HERE” and everyone will assume you’re wrapping presents and you can lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling, and have a nice existential crisis until you’re ready to face people again. (If you’re at the office or in public, do this in the bathroom and everyone will be too scared to come in so it still works.)
For those who would like to dissociate, I offer this: Martha Stewart’s eggnog recipe. I am not legally or spiritually responsible for what comes next for you.
For those who do not Do Christmas, I offer this: host a War on Christmas Party3. Force everyone to leave Christmas behind them as they enter your Christmas-less abode. Serve foods without gumdrop buttons. Play no reindeer games. For one night only, no one is allowed Christmas in direct proportion to the amount of Christmas you are forced to endure every other day on the heels on Halloween. Or you can do Festivus, I’m just throwing out options.
The Hater’s Spirit
I do not serve as your Hater Spirit Guide to say you should be living any kind of certain holiday way; I am only here to show you the various paths laid before you. It is possible your eyes have glazed over like a holiday ham and you have forgotten that you have free will4.
You must balance your inner cynic and your inner maniacal child to really get the most out of this holiday season — recognizing its crushing commercialism and delightful absurdity (affectionate and derogatory) simultaneously.
You must become the child of Jovie (kind-hearted realist) and Buddy (insane idealist).
Cheers, darlings.
*raises coupe glass of sparkling seasonal haterade, dressed in my finest Old Gregg Christmas sweatshirt*
Get Rec’d
What I’m reading, watching, being haunted by.
What I’m reading: I’ve decided to feel more alone by listening to the audiobook The Christmas Wish, a holiday romance. Festive!!
What I’m watching: I watched Our Little Secret and the scenes where Lindsay Lohan tries to cry are as painful for the viewer to watch as they must have been for her to attempt.
Reality: “'Love,' Hirschfeld said, 'is as varied as people are.'”
Escapism: Enter the beautiful world painted by Drew Magary in the opening of last year’s Hater’s Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog, the inspiration for these very words you read today. This will prepare you for this year’s drop.
Wildcard: It’s just not Christmas for me until I see the Folgers incest commercial !!!
Until next time.
Outrage = eyeballs/clicks = PROFIT, friends, so next time you see anything that makes you instantly froth at the mouth, I want you to take a step back and ask yourself if what you’re looking at has been specifically engineered to get that reaction for someone else’s gain (hint: this is always the case).
I swear there is a great lil poem about this, but it eludes me currently
To my beloved friend I am stealing this from: you have the best ideas and I love your beautiful and amazing brain ❤️
Use it to slice the cranberry sauce lengthwise if you really need to alienate some people in your life