It's a trap

The 4-hour face wash 7 habit love yourself cool swear word morning!!!

Okay I did willingly read Grit. [Photo by Shiromani Kant on Unsplash]

I try to be a person who does not yuck others’ yums. I think many people have lost the ability to say that just because something is not for them doesn’t mean that it is objectively bad. (See: the Barbie movie.)

With that said, I hate self-help books and I think they are Bad. (You can lump business and marketing books in there too, because I have yet to encounter one that isn’t insufferable). Sure, some of the authors have good intentions. We all know what it’s like to get excited about a thing that works for us and want everyone we know and love to get excited about it too.

But hear me out:

1. They are all the same book¹.

2. If they do have any useful information, it could be boiled down to a blog post² or a single-page pamphlet.

3. The author rarely discloses how much support they have- financial resources, a partner who takes on the entire mental load of the household, childcare- the actual key to their sustained success.

Here is the thing: You cannot optimize your life and anyone who tells you otherwise is selling you something (probably a book and a lifestyle). There is no universe in which doing ✨ONE WEIRD TRICK✨ changes you forever into an entirely different person. It is great to pick up new, healthy habits and incorporate them into your routine as much as possible.

It is not great to adhere to them pathologically, particularly if they are not designed to be sustainable for anyone who does not have unlimited resources/staff. Because you’re going to get sick, or your kid is, or your dog is. You’re going to have to work late. You’re going to have a holiday or a trip disrupt your routine.

And these aren’t bad things. The alternative is that you never alter your routine in the slightest for fear of change, of not being “optimized”. You don’t want to become the person who is so obsessed with optimizing life that you miss out on actually living it.

When is the last time you felt like Optimized You?

I’m listening to S3 of The Dream and the host, Jane Marie, is looking for a life coach, both for personal improvement and for science (does it really work?) In the second episode, she’s faced with a question: when did she last feel like the optimized version of herself?

It’s a good question. It’s also a trap.

This guy knows.

The answer is either a time in your life you can’t replicate- maybe when you were younger with fewer responsibilities so you could spend more time running or reading or painting- and/or you perceive it as an optimized time only in hindsight. It has become idealized. You’re not remembering everything you thought was so messed up and wrong about your life then; you’ve got the rose-colored retrospective glasses on.

I know I hit days where I feel like I have it all together versus the far more common days where I feel like I am scraping by on my hideous, unmanicured nails. The best we can do is say hell yeah when those ✨optimized✨ days happen and remind ourselves that it is impossible to be perfect and women are still held to insane beauty standards.

The haunting

I think this is the thing that’s appealing about this genre of book: the promise that if you just work hard enough, you can actually be perfect. That perfection, optimization of self, is possible³.

One of the harshest, most unfortunate truths of life- especially for Americans raised on a steady diet of bootstraps- is that you can work really, really hard and still fail. You did the whole training montage, in real time, and you didn’t win. You didn’t land the job, win the race, or get the girl. And that sucks.

These books promise you that they have some kind of secret formula that’s foolproof and if it doesn’t work for you, there’s something wrong with you. But I can promise you there is not. Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes we are lazy and we miss an opportunity. Or we weren’t lazy, but we were so afraid to fail that we didn’t start or we didn’t give it our all so at least we could tell ourselves that we would have won if we had given our all. (Shoutout to me, from me.)

“If readers can simply understand how rich people think or crack the code to lasting romance, these books suggest, they can be happy too.” - The Atlantic

The timing will never be perfect. Sometimes despite giving it everything we have, we will still fail. There can be a kind of freedom in that if we decide to do the thing anyway.

You do not even have to buy my fucking⁴ book about it.

Get Rec’d

What I’m reading, watching, being haunted by.

• What I’m reading: I’ve been listening to Glossy on audiobook; a nonfiction dive into the #girlboss era that launched Glossier (a ubiquitous brand in my demographic whose products I have never tried) and explores that particular flavor of ambition. FASCINATING.

• What I’m watching: I have exciting plans to rewatch the 1998 version of The Parent Trap this Friday to PREPARE for a themed birthday party on Saturday.

• Reality: The results are in from a guaranteed income program in Austin and spoiler alert: it works!

• Escapism: I wish I could read every single one of these books.

• Wildcard: Send this to your friend who works in design.

Until next time.

1. Supported by my boys of the If Books Could Kill podcast

2. Which many of them started as, and it’s painfully obvious the author is trying to stretch 1500 words into a 200-page book.

3. In a commodified way specifically, so different from self-actualization in my view

4. I’m not like a regular guru, I’m a cool guru who does cool swears!!