Be brave enough to break your own heart
The horrors may persist, but you do not have to endure all of them
Few things send me into an incendiary rage as fast as motivational hustle culture platitudes, especially if someone turns them into a twee graphic (see Fig 1, below).
Yes, part of being an adult human is doing things you do not want to do, which you do not know how to do when you do not feel like doing them, often without help1. It’s a constant stumbling forward, a slow, horrifying realization that only the truly delulu think they have “everything figured out” (or can afford to outsource it).
Most of us get it figured out for about three days until the universe lobs another demented grenade in our direction, throwing everything wildly out of balance again. Life is perpetual chaos, and sometimes, we have to walk away from particular agents of that chaos before they drain us dry.
That can be really hard for anyone socialized to give— of their time, energy, everything. It doesn’t matter how horrible something is; it must be endured until the designated end. Otherwise, you risk getting labeled rude, disappointing someone (oh GOD, and what if that someone is an AUTHORITY FIGURE!!!), or generally Failing A Situation2.
If that sounds like you, GREAT NEWS! The Meme Gods created a permission slip to walk the fuck out of there, and you can show it to yourself on your phone or in your brain any time you need it!
I can hear some of you saying, “But I can’t JUST LEAVE MY JOB??!” or “Am I supposed to just WALK OUT on this relationship I’ve spent the last [INSERT NUMBER OF] YEARS of my life BUILDING???”
My friend.
My beautiful, beloved little goblin.
Come closer. (I am holding your head very gently but firmly in my hands now and staring into your eyes.)
I know this.
The real trick is figuring out the balance between your obligations and the things that just feel like obligations. Are you at a painfully awkward networking event? You do not have to stay until the end!3 That’s very different from something like a boring job, which is your only source of income, and you do not have another one lined up.
In that case, do not hit those bricks just yet!!
Let it linger
There’s another nasty little feeling tangled up in this, too: rejection. If you hate disappointing people, you do everything you can to appease others because it’s also self-protective. Maybe you’re terrified of making other people feel rejected because you’ve been painfully rejected in the past.
It’s better to let it linger, let it dissolve, let it fade away on its own. A ghost.
But Rejection isn’t Personal, as Heather Havrilesky puts it so brilliantly in this week’s
. At the core of someone’s turning away from you is their own hurt, their own inability to move past making themselves small in the face of something new— even if it’s something they asked for.It’s not about you at all.
“The pain is real, and the struggle is real. Just don’t take it personally. Don’t add up every slight. Don’t turn your bad break-ups, calamitous work scenarios, and harsh ghostings from trusted friends into scary narratives about how your life will always be.”
Sisyphean things
Starting over is fucking terrifying. The idea of it is exhausting because nothing ever happens in a vacuum. You still have to deal with the rest of your life while navigating a huge, heartbreaking situation.
We are not rational beings, either. When we’ve invested a lot of resources into something—time, money, physical or emotional energy—we don’t want to walk away even if it makes more sense objectively. Sunk cost fallacy is a hell of a drug.
Sometimes, we don’t want to walk away because we’re hoping for a secret, third option: a deus ex machina. Maybe the other person does what we can’t bring ourselves to do, and then we get to hate them for it. They’re the ones that blew everything up, not us!
That’s easier, that’s comfortable. That does not force us to assert ourselves, to grow.
Or maybe we believe things can still be salvaged with enough time by creating the right conditions. This means it’s time to ask: if nothing about a situation changes, if it stays exactly as it is right now, is it working for you?
It can be the same with work. Maybe a new professional opportunity will land in our lap and change everything! That’s not probable, but it's possible, right? Especially when we’ve grown up steeped in the idea that hard work alone will show the world what it is that we deserve. Notice will be taken; offers will be made.
We hear that story a lot, but it’s the exception, not the rule.
Sometimes it’s an impossible choice. If you have a horrific, toxic job, but it pays well and has good benefits, and the market is just so bad right now…is it worth walking away? Only you can make that calculus (and it’s a very different one if you have dependents and no safety net).
But if signs point to yes, rip off that bandaid, babe, and join me at the base of the mountain.
“It sounds exhausting. She feels as if she’s at the base of a mountain, looking up. But she’s climbed mountains before. She’s run up mountains, even.”
-The God of the Woods, Liz Moore
Get Rec’d
What I’m reading, watching, being haunted by.
What I’m reading: I finished the audiobook for The Bone Season and…I did not love it and probably won’t finish the series. The premise is so promising, but the protagonist is SO VERY 19 and not in a fun way. It recycles many of the same fantasy/dystopia tropes but not in a fresh way. The pacing feels tedious, and there’s too much telling instead of showing and way too many side characters. (I spent the finale being like, “…who?” when someone was in danger.) In short: do not recommend!
What I’m watching: ALL OF YOU HEADING TO THE POLLS, RIGHT???
Reality: When you read stuff involving wild claims about historical figures, a gentle reminder: We Do Not Know the Population of Every Country in the World for the Past Two Thousand Years!
Escapism: Meet me at the Númenor Margaritaville for Midnight Margaritas.
Wildcard: Immerse yourself in furry culture.
Until next time.
This can be by design (social safety net? we don’t know her) or because you’re too much of an idiot to ask for help (hi, I’m the problem, it’s me, etc.)
Getting an A on Situations is both normal to want and possible to achieve!
Also, horrifically, this kind of thing gets easier with time, and you CAN bring a friend! I will be that friend if you also live in ATX!